I’ve had some time to think.
And, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I can’t explain myself when you want me to.
I’m sorry I can’t get out the words I want to say when I need to.
And I’m sorry that the littlest things set me off.
I wish I was brave.
Brave enough to tell you exactly how I feel.
Brave enough to handle the repercussions of telling you how I feel.
Brave enough to handle how you feel.
I love you.
I truly do.
I’ve never loved anyone like this before.
I want to give you the world and make everything easy for you.
To make sure you are safe, comfortable and happy.
I care so much how you feel.
That’s why I’m always scared to say that I need a couple of days.
Because I know you immediately think the worst.
I feel like you think I’m just going to block you out for two completely days and not talk to you.
That after my days to myself I’m going to come back to you and everything will be different, that I’ll have thought too much and realize how better my life is without you.
And then continue to try and get away from you and eventually break up with you.
NO! That’s not case!
NOT AT ALL…
I just need time to do the things I need to do for myself.
To be with myself, to take care of myself.
Not because I don’t want you around, not because I don’t want to talk to you, not because I want to break up with you, but because I need time to figure my own life out.
My job right now, is incredibly stressful.
When I go to work, I work, hard, for 8 hours straight, dealing with the most frustrating and stressful woman I’ve ever met, my boss.
I’m dealing with a lot of responsibility, more so then I’m use to.
I don’t want to fuck up.
Or lose anymore clients.
I spend most of my day focusing on being happy and cheerful, while doing the work I need to do, so I don’t freak out.
I feel like I’m getting pulled from each extremity.
Teresa, line one, Teresa line two, Teresa call 223, Teresa have you done this order, Teresa charge this to this account, Teresa did you answer that email… AHHHH.
I do love my job, but right now getting closer and closer to the Christmas season, closer to deadlines that need to be reached, closer to losing my mind, my patience is starting to wear thin.
And sometimes I just need time to myself.
To power down, relax, think, to do something creative and calm the fuck down.
I need to do things.
I need to edit photos.
I need to get my mom’s Christmas present figured out.
I need to figure out my budget for this paycheck.
I need to go Christmas shopping.
I need to clear my head of all these lists and things that keep piling up inside my brain.
You make me feel selfish that I want my days off to myself.
But these are the only days I can actually think about what’s going on in my life without work butting its ugly head into everything.
Complete full days without feeling rushed that I have to be home to make food and get my shit ready for work.
I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately.
That I’m missing out on everything.
That I’m not prepared for Christmas.
That I won’t have enough money for Christmas.
I know you don’t want to hear all of this.
I hope you don’t think that this is all bullshit.
I hate myself for writing this to you.
I know it’s probably best I don’t send this to you.
But how else am I supposed to get my words out, without anyone jumping to the gun, without hurting anyone’s feelings before I’m even done try to say what I need to say.
I’m sorry about this morning.
I’m sorry for everything, always.
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, or ruin your day, or stress you out, or put pressure on you.
I don’t do any of that on purpose.
Your right, sometimes I don’t think before I say or do things, or think how you feel before I say something.
It’s just so confusing when you want me to talk, and tell you how I feel and you pry and pry to get it out of me.
But then I say things I don’t want to say, words I never meant.
Because I get nervous and I just say anything.
And it keeps getting me in trouble.
I’m consumed by you.
I feel like lately we’ve both been so worried and concerned about each other, we’ve lost touch with ourselves.
I feel like I’ve lost control.
I feel like time is passing by so fast, and yet not at all.
I feel like it was just yesterday I met you, but at the same time I feel like I’ve known you for years.
I am so in love with you it’s taking my brain, heart and stomach for the most emotional ride of it’s life.
Some times I stare at you, and you say I’m looking at you weird, but I’m looking at you and thinking…
Wow, how did I land this?
He’s so handsome, gentle, kind, caring, and intelligent…
What’s he doing with someone like me?
And again, it comes down to self esteem.
I pretend like I don’t have problems, that I’m the prettiest bitch in the room.
But it’s just a facade.
That’s why I’m never excited or interested in working out with you.
Because I feel like you only want me to do it because I’m fat.
And I KNOW, that’s not the case, I know you just want me to be healthy and active and feel better about myself.
But my mind tricks me into thinking that you don’t like the way I look and you want me to change that.
I’m sorry I’m so sensitive sometimes.
I’m sorry I can’t keep it together when I want to.
I’m sorry I cry all the time.
I’m sorry I get more worked up and then turn both of our emotions into a tornado of fucks and frustration.
I’m sorry we aren’t normal.
And we can’t just have a normal morning.
I’m sorry I overact to everything.
I’m sorry that sometimes it’s hard for me to compromise.
I want this work.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and have nothing go wrong.
I’m sorry that I harbor on things I shouldn’t.
That I hang on to the stupid little things that don’t matter in the long run.
I know it’s no excuse, but sometimes I really feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
I lose control of everything and I get lost in the moment.
Please don’t freak out.
Or think I’m breaking up with you.
I just needed to get all this shit off my chest.
To tell you things without having you interrupt me or change my mind on what I want to say.
I love you.